# It was a Friday, and the wind chimes were making their usual music.

I was thinking about my next step in life.

Should I go back to school?

I had a great job at the Superville Markets, and I liked working there. I had a few friends there.

"Hi, I'm here."

I looked up, and there she was. Ling Xin stood in the doorway, smiling at me.

She wore a gray dress with a darker gray jacket. Her long black hair was tied back loosely.

"Come on in."

"Are you ready to go?" I asked her.

"Yes. Are you?"

"Yeah."

We both got in her car, and she drove down the lane.

"We're going south to the hunting grounds there, which is my family's property."

"Your family owns this property?"

"Yes, my grandfather emigrated from China last century and bought the hunting ground here." I took my two shotguns and said, "No one will be there today."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. There's a big herd of deer there. They're scared of humans, so they might run if they see us."

Ling Xin smiled at me and said,

"I was wondering if we could make a pit stop along the way. I have to go to the bathroom really bad."

"Sure."

"It's not far to your house, so you can drop me off there. I'll walk the rest of the way."

"No, no. Please don't do that. My mom doesn't know I'm out with a potential girlfriend. I'll just stay in the car, and she'll think I'm still at work or something." I laughed and shook my head, "Wait until we get to the hunting grounds."

Ling Xin looked in the rearview mirror. "Do you think someone will be following us?"

"No, I don't think so. I don't think anyone knows about this place, other than members of my family. My dad would have a field day if he knew. He'd probably try to put a stop to it. But, no one else will know."

Ling Xin looked at me for a while. "If you're sure... Okay."

"Yeah. We'll get there soon enough. This way we can make a stop and be back in no time. It shouldn't take us longer."

"Okay. That's a good plan."

"We're here."

I got out of the car, and Ling Xin opened the door on the other side. She went in without looking back. I went around to the other side and said,

"I'll carry the bags."

She handed me the two brown paper bags with her groceries. I took them and went inside.

"Shit! He got a flat!" She walked into the villa at the hunting grounds whispering as I followed.

There was a young girl with tattoos on the villa counter smoking, and I said hello to Lin Xin, "She's the caretaker's kid, same age as me."

"What's her name?" Ling Xin asked.

"Ellie."

She nodded, "Ellie."

"You're going to be hunting here, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Do you know what kind of animals live here?"

"No." I was lying, but I didn't want to say anything too detailed about our plan. "Ellie, don't tell my parents I came here."

"Don't worry. I won't tell anyone."

Ling Xin looked at me and said, "You don't look like a killer."

"No, I'm definitely not." I turned my head to the car and took down the shotgun and asked, "Ellie, are you coming with us to play too? Hunting is much better than sitting here and smoking."

"No, I've never hunted before."

"Oh, come on! You've never gone hunting? What kind of person are you?"

"I don't know."

"Well, what are you doing here alone?"

"I'm not alone."

"Yes, you are. You're with a boy." I walked towards the hunting ground and said, "Come over if you want, and we can shoot the overbred deer together."

Ellie ran over to me and threw her arms around my waist as I picked her up.

"Can I have a gun, too?"

"Maybe."

"No, really. Can I?"

"Are you ready?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Then, let's do this."

I grabbed a shotgun, and said, "Come on!"

***

Me, Ellie, and Lin Xin were walking slowly in the hunting ground looking for prey.

The ground was covered in dry grass and weeds. There were no signs of animal tracks, other than the constant deer and rabbit tracks from the residents of the hunting grounds.

"Do you think there are any elk or mule deer here?" I asked.

"I hope so," Ellie said.

"There are only cows and sheep over there," Lin Xin said, gesturing towards a group of buildings.

"Oh. Well, then, the meat will be so much tastier."

Ellie looked at me, puzzled. "What did you say?"

"Beef and lamb are better, but unfortunately, those cows and sheep are private." I yawned and half knelt on the ground. "Let's go hunting. I'm beat."

Ellie and Lin Xin both knelt with their hands in front of them.

"Okay. Ready?" I asked.

"Yeah!" Ellie took a deep breath, and said, "Let's do this."

Ellie and Lin Xin both aimed at different points in the field. I aimed at the closest buck and fired. The gun recoiled and the buckshot went flying out in front of me. It slammed into the ground and rolled a few feet with a plop sound.

"Shit! Did you get it?" Ellie and Lin Xin shouted.

"No! I missed!" I shouted. "Let's try another one."

"Are you sure?" Ellie asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Let's do it."

Ellie put the gun to her shoulder and aimed.

"Are you sure you can't do it?" Lin Xin asked.

"No," Ellie said. "Let's do it."

"Okay," Lin Xin said, and began to aim.

I didn't shoot, but waited for them both to shoot.

Ellie's eyes widened. The shot echoed throughout the hunting ground, and the buck leaped towards the buildings.

"Did you get it?" I asked.

"No!" Ellie said.

"Dammit! It's no use. Let's go."

I grabbed the shotgun, and we ran towards the buildings.

* * *

The next few hours were a blur.

The buck we killed weighed around eighteen pounds, not too big or small for me. Ellie said that it looked like I had hit it in the heart, and I stared at the dead animal.

Ellie stepped on its head and gave it the middle finger and spit on it, which was highly unladylike.

Shocked, I stared at her.

"You should've aimed for the heart," she said.

"You should've aimed."

She punched me in the stomach.

"Ow!"

"Did I hurt you?"

"No."

She picked up the shotgun and threw it at my head.

"You're dead! You're a terrible shot."

"How'd you do that?"

"Because I'm a lot better at it than you are."

I picked up the shotgun, Say, "So who's going to go to the villa and get the knives to come over and cut the skin?"

"You can go if you want," Ellie said. "Or you can stay here and rot with the rest of the corpses."

"I'll go," Lin Xin said.

"Thanks," I said.

"Shouldn't you wear a gun?" Ellie asked.

"No, I have a gun. I'm just more accurate with it."

"Okay," Ellie said, rolling her eyes.

I was sitting on a rock in a field of dry grass. The sun was high in the sky, and the air was hot.

"Do you want to eat the meat once we cut the hide off?" I asked.

"Maybe," Ellie said.

I stood up, and held the deer's head by the horns.

"Do you know how to skin a deer?" I asked.

"I think so." Ellie stared at Lin Xin's back as she edged away and said, "Stupid Chinaman."

"Cunts."

"Whatever."

The two of us began walking towards the closest stream, where the hides could be washed and the meat would be cut.

The stream was narrow, but deep. It flowed fast, its waters orange and tinged with brown.

"Lin Xin she should not be able to see here, let me see you?" I put down the shotgun and sat on the rock and said.

"What?" Ellie said, annoyed.

"Don't turn your back on me."

"Fine. What are you doing?" Ellie said.

"I'm trying to be more like you."

"What?"

"Don't you ever want to do something that's more dangerous that what you're doing? Or perhaps do something wild and crazy?" I waved and said, "I'm bored, and I guess you are too?"

"Boring is not a crime, and I'm not locking you in here." Ellie's eyes narrowed, and she stared at me.

"No, I don't," she said.

"Then what do you do all day?" I asked.

"I... go to school."

I nodded and said, "Looking for a little excitement? I can touch your ass."

"What did you say?" Ellie said, staring at me.

"You heard me."

"You're insane." Ellie raised her eyebrows and said, "Excitement? More like terror."

"Don't be such a sour puss."

Ellie rolled her eyes and said, "Fine. Have it your way."

I grinned and said, "I'll try not to hurt you or anything."

Ellie turned away, and muttered, "Yeah... Good luck with that."

* * *

When we reached the hide, I said, "I'll put the gun down. You get the knife."

Ellie hesitated, but then walked towards the deer and grabbed the knife. I put my right hand in her ass and stroked it.

"Feel how good it is?" I asked.

She looked at me and said, "You're disgusting."

"Ha, yeah, I know."

"Just get on with it," she said.

I grabbed the knife, cut the deer's throat, and let it bleed.

Ellie stared at the deer's corpse, wide-eyed and slack-jawed. Lin Xin squatted directly across from us to see the blood of the deer closed eyes in shock, I said expressionlessly, "Do not scream, blood only."

"I... I won't scream," Ellie whispered.

"Good."

"What do you want to do with the hide?" Ellie asked, staring at the ground.

"Didn't think about it, I just wanted to see the blood." I withdrew my right hand and said, "Give it to you, what do you want to use it for?"

"I don't know... I can't think straight with you touching me like that." She shuddered.

"Okay," I said, "I'll... I'll cut it out for you."

"What are you talking about?" Lin Xin asked, she seemed suspicious.

"What do you mean, I'll cut it out for you?" I asked, looking over at Ellie.

"Yeah, give it to me."

"No."

"Give it to me!"

"Fine!" I said, "I'll give it to you."

"Really?" Ellie asked.

"Yeah."

Ellie stared at me as I stood up straight. I looked down at her, and said, "You are the most annoying person I've ever met."

"That's not very nice," Ellie said.

"I meant it in a good way." I whispered, "Disguise, don't let her find out what I was doing before."

"What were you doing?"

"You know."

Ellie glared at me.

* * *

The three men returned to the villa together with the venison in bags.

We cut up the deer, threw some of the meat onto the grill, and sat down to eat it.

"You did well, Ellie." I praised her.

"Thanks."

"You should be safe here. It's a long way from home for you."

"I know," she said, "but I can't stay here forever."

"Instead, I would like you to stay here and help my family with their work. There are very few youths and children in town, and you are a true friend of mine."

"Don't do that." Ellie said flatly.

I stared at her. Lin Xin took a sip of her drink and asked, "Why is your family rich enough to buy this small hunting ground."

"Because my grandfather, as I said before he immigrated to New Zealand in the last century." I relaxed and explained.

"How could someone so young own a hunting ground like this?"

"Quite simply, what happened in China in the 1980s and 1990s?" I asked the woman teacher rhetorically with Ellie.

She looked at me and said, "The same thing that happened in many other places in those years, you."

"Oh, you mean the Communist Party."

"Yes," she said, "the Communist Party."

"Do you still believe in communism?" I asked.

"What's the point of it now?" Ellie said, finishing her meal.

"It doesn't make sense, but it explains why my grandfather became rich. My grandfather became the head of a Chinese state-owned enterprise at the time, and as you know workers in the planned economy at the time were lazy and greedy, stealing and even skipping work after clocking out to sell vegetables."

"That's not what...," Ellie began, but I held up my hand to silence her.

"Let the girl digest her meal in peace," I said.

"That's not true," Ellie said.

"It was in the newspapers, you could look it up."

"So, your grandfather was a bad person?" Lin Xin asked, her tone becoming more serious.

"No, no, he was just very unlucky. He was in the right place at the right time. At that time Deng Xiaoping carried out market reforms and state enterprise reforms, and China's law and order deteriorated and corruption increased. Then, he bought officials to sell state factories to him at low prices before retiring the old state employees. In the early 1990s, he began expanding into new areas: mining, real estate, banking. By the time his son was born, he was already quite wealthy, and still expanding his holdings. That is what happened in China in the 1990s and early 2000s. My grandfather was just a businessman who made a few fortunate deals and retired early, but other than that he was a good man." I said.

"Why didn't anyone ever tell me this before?" Ling Xin asked.

"Do you think your grandfather would have wanted this place?" Ellie asked, "I'm more curious about what happened to the planned economy workers who were fired?"

"Oh, they're often hired by competing businesses and forced to work for less pay and under worse conditions. It's a big problem. Because the planned economy is similar to the industrialized feudal estates, those workers...especially those in the countryside may not have received education and been to the field in their lifetime, because Chinese factories in Mao's time had supporting hospitals and schools, and workers' livelihood protection was all taken care of by the state factories. After the reforms, most of those jobs disappeared and the workers were left in the dust. Few of them landed on their feet, and some became beggars or worse. Some are even still working in the same low-paying jobs they held under Deng's rule."

"That's...horrible, I've heard stories...," Ellie said.

"It's even worse than that," I said, "That's history, and I'm more interested in knowing how China is now?"

"If you want to know how China is now, just look outside of your window." Ling Xin said.

I looked outside; the sun was setting over the horizon.

"You see that?"

"Yes."

"That's what China has become: a nation of peasants and beggars, ruled by a few wealthy landowners. It has nothing to do with the ideals of communism." Lin Xin sighed and said, "There are no unions and no freedom to strike in China yet, and the nominal minimum hourly wage is $3 an hour. Political power is monopolized by the Chinese Communist Party. The rich Chinese, however, have increased their wealth beyond what is healthy for the nation. These people are the main consumers of the factories that the Communist Party owns and operates. If it wasn't for the wealth and power of the rich, we would have a better life in China. As it is, we will continue to be peasants and beggars ruled by the rich."

"So," Ellie said, "China is a good place to be poor?"

"Yes," Ling Xin said, "because the Communist Party is here to protect the rights of the working class and the poor. They're not perfect, and they don't offer a way out for the people who become too wealthy and powerful, but they're better than the other alternatives."

"I don't like or even hate China." Ellie said, crossing her arms, "But I do like the fact that they have a system that seems to work better than our system for the people who have less opportunities."

"That system is flawed," Ling Xin said, shaking her head, "But it's better than the alternatives."

"What about you, Li Mu?"

"Me? I don't have an opinion, I just think a lot of people want to be hostile to China?"

"You think they're wrong?" Ellie asked.

"I think you're naïve."

"Naïve?" Ellie asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I mean you're naive and kind. You think people have good intentions. I've spent a lot of time around people who think they're good and moral, but they're usually the most selfish and corrupt."

"How can you be so cynical? China didn't turn out this way for no reason. Human nature is the same everywhere. China's just a little worse because the culture and history have created more opportunities for people to exploit others."

I shook my head and said, "No, it has nothing to do with culture and history. For example, I'm here with you and Lin Xin eating venison. I want to monopolize venison and interpret it as a people's democratic dictatorship, do you think that has anything to do with my past?"

"No."

"Does it?"

"Well..." Ellie said, "I mean...I guess not."

"So the fact that China is now a Chinese Communist dictatorship has something to do with the fact that the majority of its people have nothing to do with China as a country?"

"Well..." Ellie said, "I didn't say that."

"Let's assume that China overthrows the Chinese Communist Party, implements universal suffrage and a multi-party system, establishes unions to guarantee workers' rights, and creates a welfare society for its citizens. How would you feel about this China?" I asked after thinking about it.

"If China did all of that, I wouldn't want to live there," Ellie said, "But that doesn't mean I think what they're doing is bad. In fact, I think it's good."

"I think so too, but suppose there is another scenario where China continues its one-party rule implementing militarized domination of Asia and its carrier battle groups can sail the globe, but it has no unions, universal suffrage. Welfare benefits are also minimal, and most of the wealth is concentrated in the hands of a few. What do you think of this China?"

"I guess it would be worse," Ellie said, "But it still wouldn't be as bad as America."

"Really?" I asked, surprised, "Why is America the benchmark by which all other nations should be measured?"

"Because America is not a Communist dictatorship," Ellie said, "It's a representative government. It's the only country that has done anything that even resembles what you just described. You should know this."

"Just because the U.S. is wrong doesn't mean China is right, and let's think about it, we both agree that both China's in the hypothetical are China, right?" I inquired.

"Yes," Ling Xin said,

"So let's say China goes from bad to worse. It gets worse than any hypothetical America. What do you think should be done? For me to leave, or for you to put down roots and try to help?"

"I...I guess it's better than the other choices, but..." Ellie said.

"I see where you're going with this," I said, "But I think it's a mistake to base your decisions about China's fate on hypothetical and oversimplified ideas of what America did or didn't do in the past. The world has been through a lot of changes in the last sixty years, and China is a different country now than it was sixty years ago. The world is a very different place now than it was then. A more just and equitable world is possible now than it was then. Well, let's get on with the food. How is the venison?"

"Delicious," Ellie said, "But I think we've talked enough about politics for one day."

"Agreed," Ling Xin said, "Shall we continue this discussion tomorrow?"

"Sounds great," I said, stuffing more food into my mouth. "Let's pick a time that works for everyone."

Ling Xin was already heading out of the room. "I'll be here all day on Wednesday," Ellie said.

"Then we'll have our discussion in the morning," I said.

"Great," Ellie said.

"What do you think of Lin Xin?" I asked, opening two beers and testing her.

Ellie took one of the beers and said, "She's alright."

"Do you like her?"

"She's alright," Ellie repeated.

"I like her a lot, do you think she can be my girlfriend?"

Ellie thought about this for a moment. "Is this some kind of joke?"

"No, I really like her."

"Well, I don't think you should be courting her."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't think it's a good idea."

I nodded after a moment of silence and said, "You still don't have a boyfriend?"

"What's the use?" Ellie said.

"That's interesting," I said. "Well, I guess we're both grown up. Do you want to take this conversation another way?"

"Yeah," Ellie said, raising her beer.

"How about we drink to our future success?" I asked.

Ellie smiled. "You got it."

"Cheers," I said, raising my beer in a salute.

"Cheers."

The two of us clinked our beers.

"You're pretty good at that," she said, "But I think we should just be friends.""How about trying hugging and kissing first? It doesn't count as a boyfriend girlfriend relationship."

"Okay," I said. "How about trying hugging and kissing first? It doesn't count as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship." I joked.

I went over and hugged Ellie, which she accepted. I placed my arms around her, and she placed her arms around me. We stayed that way for a few seconds. I felt her body go rigid, and I let go.

"Would you like to try kissing?" she asked.

"Sure," I said.

"Are you serious?" Ellie asked, looking me in the eye.

"I wouldn't be a very good boyfriend if I didn't take it seriously."

Ellie blushed slightly.

"Yes," she said, smiling, "go right ahead."

I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers.

and I moved my hand down to her butt.

I moved my hand up to her butt, caressed it, and then squeezed it.

I moved my hips closer to hers and pressed my pelvis against hers.

I began to grind my hips against hers.

Ellie moaned into my mouth.

She tasted fresh. Sweet. Yum.

I moaned into her ear, which made her wince.

I pressed my lips to her ear. "Open for me," I said.

She nodded, and I slowly inserted a finger into her butt.

"Oh, that feels great," she said.

"Good," I said.

We continued to kiss.

"I love the way you feel in my mouth," I said.

"I love the way you make me feel in you," she said.

"I want you inside me," I said.

"I want you inside me too," she said, smiling.

I moved my hand down to her panties and began to slide them off.

I slid down her silk panties down her smooth legs.

"W-w-w-wait," she said, her voice strained.

"Hm?", I said, focusing on her.

"I...I can't..."

"What's wrong?"

She took a deep breath. "I want to say something, but I'm not sure."

"Say it anyway."

"Well..."

"Go on," I said.

"No, I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because..."

"Ellie, tell me why not."

"You're mean!"

"Well, you wouldn't want me to be mean, now would you?"

Ellie's cheeks flushed.

"Fine." I got up and sat next to her and pulled her into a hug. "I know you're nervous."

"N-No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

I held her close to me, and she put her arms around my neck.

"You're not going to let me get away, are you?"

"No way."

She nodded in confusion, took out her cigarette and lit it and took a drag. I stared at her stroking the tattoo on her arm and said, "Give me a puff of smoke?"

"Huh?" she said, looking up, surprised.

I put out my hand. She placed the cigarette in my hand. I inhaled deeply. My head began to feel fuzzy. I looked at her and said, "Nothing strange was put here, right?"

"Put what?" she asked.

"You know what...nevermind."

"Are you sure you're feeling okay?"

"Yep," I said, as I took another puff. "What are you going to do from now on?"

"I don't know," she said. "Probably something stupid."

"Me too," I said, "You can come work for my father's company or manage this hunting ground of his?"

"What will I do for you?"

"I don't know," I said. "Whatever you're good at. I will inherit my father's assets, we are friends, and I will take care of you. I know you don't have many options in life, but you can work for me. Helping me run this place will give you time to do whatever you're going to do."

She looked into my eyes for a few moments, then smiled.

"I'll do the cooking and cleaning for you, any other work I can do, such as building, you can have me do that. I don't have any experience in those kinds of things, but I'm a fast learner."

"Sounds good," I said.

"How much will you inherit from your father? What about your family? Your brothers and sisters?"

"I will receive a sizable amount, but only after my sister is financially independent." I said. "I'll know when I find out."

"How? It's not as if you can ask him."

"Trust me, I know more about it than you might think."

Ellie looked at me, her eyebrows furrowed.

"Okay," she said, and blew out smoke.

I stood up and began pacing. I looked down at her cigarette.

"Don't," I said, as she glared up at me.

"Fine," she said, as she stubbed it out on the coffee table.

I looked at the ceiling.

"I've never been good at relationships," I said, "You could still work for me, but only if you do the cooking and cleaning. I need someone to take care of the hunting ground."

"And I need to do what?" she asked.

"It's what I just said, and the fact that we can continue to be intimate until I find a girlfriend."

"How come you're not in a relationship?" she asked.

"Not in a relationship? Maybe because I met you."

"No, I mean a relationship with someone."

"Well, I'm not sure that what I'm looking for is a relationship. Maybe I'm just not good at relationships."

"You're a liar," she said.

"I'm not." I stared at her tattoo. "Your tattoo, can I see it?"

"Why?"

"Just curious."

Ellie shrugged.

"Fine." She rolled up her sleeve.

I gasped.

"It's beautiful," I said, reaching out to touch it.

"Let me see."

I froze, unsure if this was the right thing to do.

Ellie looked at me sullenly.

"Why are you so shy?"

"I was wondering if you could get a tattoo of my name later?"

"How about a little more than a simple request?"

"Sure," I said, trying to suppress a laugh.

Ellie smiled as she began to talk.

"How about we get our names in Chinese characters, with the meaning tattooed underneath? That way, if we want to change our names we can just have it written in Chinese characters."

She showed me a small, intricate dragon, coiled around the base of a wreath. I stared in awe.

"That's amazing," I said, "I've never seen anything like it. It's very feminine and mysterious, I like it."

"Thanks," she said.

I finished the last of the wine and stood, as Ellie stood as well.

"I'm going to go to sleep," I said.

"Me too."

"Good night, Li."

"Good night, Ellie."

I was about to walk out of the room, when I saw her hesitate.

"What?" I asked.

She looked down at her feet.

"Nothing," she said after a moment.

"You look like you're thinking of something."

"I'm fine," she said, looking up.

"Tell me, it's worse to hide it inside."

She said nothing.

"So?" I said.

"So...nothing."

"Tell me."

"Oh, for God's sake, stop being so nosy." she said, looking down again.

"No, it's not," I said, "You're thinking about something. It's the same?"

"Maybe," she said.

"Tell me what you're thinking."

"Why do you want to know?"

I took a deep breath and said, "I want you, do you too?"

Ellie stared at me, her eyes wide.

"What?" she gasped, looking away.

"I want you," I said, "I want you to be my girlfriend."

Ellie's face turned white, and she backed away from me and sat back down on the couch.

"I...I cannot," she said, "I cannot be your girlfriend."

"Why not?"

"Because...", she began, and paused. "I...I'm sorry. I just got scared."

"I'm sorry, too," I said, and sat down beside her.

She took a deep breath, then looked up at me.

"I've been thinking," she said, "I think I've been acting like a coward."

"Do you?"

"Yes," she said, "I think this is the reason why I'm still single."

I didn't say anything.

"I'm talking about myself, Li," she said, "I'm the one who's terrified. I'm the one who doesn't have any real reason to be."

"What are you saying?" I asked.

"I'm saying, I'm tired of being afraid. If I'm acting like a coward, then it's because I'm terrified of getting hurt. I'm tired of being afraid." She took a deep breath and added, "I don't hate you, it's just that I don't want us to not even remain friends if we break up."

She held her breath, then let it out slowly.

"Let's not break up," she said after a moment, "But I don't think we should be forced to be together."

"I get it, so how about we be friends with benefits?"

She raised an eyebrow, "Benefits?"

"Yeah, like you said, we both have something the other wants. I want your friendship, and you want...something."

"Oh," she said,

I laughed, which made her frown.

"What's so funny?" she asked.

"I don't know," I said, "I might be drunk and I'm just getting your ass."

She frowned, and began to say something, then changed her mind.

"Let's not get into that," she said, "But yeah, you can have that."

She laughed as she stood, and I followed suit.

"Good night, Li," she said.

"Good night, Ellie."

I left her room, and went to my own. She slept restlessly, and I did as well.

Ellie was the only one of my early childhood friends who had actively maintained a friendship, and she was a school dropout, would I hurt her?

That was the question I asked myself as I lay on my bed.

Why had I not pursued a relationship with her? Why had I not asked her out?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had been terrified.

Of course, that was a ridiculous reason to be afraid of a friend from school. I had never even spoken to her when I was sober. I had only ever seen her at church or during school, and even then, I only saw her for brief periods.

I had had numerous friends from school that I had lost touch with, and not pursued relationships with. What was so bad about this girl, that I would be so terrified of her?

I thought of all of my past friends, and the feelings of dread that I had felt towards them came flooding back.

My fear was unfounded.

I was a coward.

I was terrified of something that might never even happen.

No, that was not true.

I was terrified of something that certainly would happen.

If only I could rid myself of this fear, I might be able to have a real relationship with someone.

But I was terrified.

And I was trapped.

I was going to fail at having a relationship.

And that was just the beginning.

小说相关章节：历史逻辑：竹幕